The 10 Most Baffling Moments In Lois Lane And Superman's Love Life
By Cyriaque Lamar
Lois Lane and Superman are the iconic comic book couple, but their romance has weathered some rough patches throughout the decades. Here are ten of these head-scratching occasions. Who could ever forget the time Lois borrowed a time machine to make out with Clark Kent as a toddler?
10.) Superman and Lois Lane's Baby Wedding
In 1963's Lois Lane #42, a horrible accident changes Lois' personality such that she blackmails Superman into marrying her. Superman, never one to be hoodwinked into nuptials, disguises an alien age-reversal potion as perfume and allows his crazed bride to spritz herself.
This plan works except for the facts that A.) Lois sprays the substance on the Man of Steel too; and B.) Superman's reputation has taken a turn for the Humbert Humbert.
The potion de-ages the duo even further, to the point that baby Lois and Superman are wheeled into a chapel for an insane infant wedding. I can only assume this wedding was approved because Superman, on a bored whim, once rerouted Metropolis' water supply from an aquifer to a boxed wine factory.
9.) Superman's April Fools Screw-You
In 1958's Lois Lane #4, Superman's friend Jimmy Olsen hypnotizes the Last Son of Krypton into proposing to Lois as an April Fools stunt. Lois — who's been the victim of soul-shattering romantic fuckwittery because of Superman — is understandably cautious.
To cancel the wedding, Jimmy fakes Clark Kent's death because Jimmy's a horrible, horrible man-child.
Once free of commitment, Superman immediately fucks off into the stratosphere with a twinkle in his eye. And as a coup de grâce, the advertisement at the bottom touts a comic that is irrefutable evidence Superman should be tried at the Hague.
8.) Lois turns into a baby (again)
Incidentally, Lois had her age reversed every other week during the Silver Age of Comics. In 1959's Lois Lane #10, our mishap-prone heroine activates a de-aging machine and accidentally becomes an infant. To teach her a lesson about vanity, Superman will only feed her the antidote via baby bottle. It's worth mentioning that Batman's exhibited similar predilections to spanking.
7.) Lois sexually harasses baby Superman using time travel
Of course, Superman's constant humiliation of Lois has deep psychological roots. She did once use a time machine to make out with him as a child. Gold stars all around, 1965's Lois Lane #59.
6.) Lois grows a mustache, Superman grows tumescent
While we're on the topic of make-out parties, this happened in 1963's Lois Lane #39. I refuse to expound on this.
5.) Lois is abducted by an alien polygamist, Superman couldn't give a fig
In 1967's Lois Lane #79, our heroine ends up in the harem of an extraterrestrial bigamist. And as you saw from this article's top image, Superman acted like his usual lunatic self.
(I suppose now is as good time as any to mention that Superman once metamorphosed into Satan.)
4.) Lois sells her soul to marry Superman
Speaking of which, Superman once masqueraded as Satan to teach Lois an important lesson about jumping into things.
NOTE: This was entirely different from that other time Lois was press-ganged into marrying an alien who merely resembled the Prince of Darkness.
3.) This
Lois Lane #135, presented without comment, mainly because I have no idea what the hell's going on here.
2.) Lois makes out with SuperLion
In 1958's Action Comics #243, Lois smooches Superman's Aslanified mug in hopes of reversing a feline curse. It doesn't work, and everyone is left 50% lachrymose and 50% queasy.
1.) Superman, Super-Racist?
Brace yourself, here comes Lois Lane #106! In this 1970 tour de force of "someone greenlit this story at 5 PM on a Friday" racial harmony, Lois uses one of Superman's many race-switching machines for a hot story in Metropolis' "Little Africa" neighborhood.
After spending 24 hours moonlighting as an African American woman, Lois demands some hard truths from the Last Son of Krypton.
What will he say? WHAT WILL HE SAY?
Whoops, Superman is saved by the bell! I mean, melting epidermis. Whatever, it's one of those multifunctional idioms.
BONUS: Part 1 of the 1970 DC Comics reader survey, in which Superman "raps" with you about how interested you are in reading about such topics as "astrology" and "black people." Also see DC Comics' "Brotherhood Quotient."
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